After I left my marriage and began to dismantle the belief that my self-worth was contingent on being perfect and doing things for others, my good friend Patty took me shopping. This was huge for me—I rarely spent money on myself, and shopping was my least favorite activity. But Patty was resolute, ferrying me to Donna Karan’s Urban Zen store in New York. Let me tell you—the price tags in that store made my eyeballs pop out! Patty has a healthy sense of self-worth, has no problem spending money on herself, and always looks fabulously stylish. That day she became a “worthiness mentor” for me. I ended up spending more on myself than I’ve ever spent in my life. It was weird but liberating, and it was the start of a new way of being for me. In this new version of Nancy, I accept that I’m worthy of nice things.

I can’t recommend enough that you look for your own worthiness mentors. These are not necessarily like your cheerleaders, your community, or your boasting buddies. These are people who have what you want when it comes to presence, lifestyle, heart, money, etc. They’re people you admire, who have the positive, light qualities you want to develop in yourself. If it’s someone who’s a good friend (or capable of becoming a good friend), this individual might take you by the hand, the way Patty did for me. If not, take the opportunity to treat the experience as a research process—ask this person questions about what they do and how they think. Then, take notes!

Realize, too, that you already have the qualities you see in these other people. You wouldn’t be able to recognize their gifts unless they were resonating inside of you—dormant maybe, but itching to pop out! Having a great mentor can help you get in touch with those qualities inside you and let them spring forward.