In honor of Father’s Days past, and for my brother who died before I truly knew him and yet is such a part of me, I wanted to share this poem with you.

in the eyes of others

i
walking with dad
by the hand
by the pond
to feed the ducks

lots of black
curly hair
maybe i was five
in the little blue dress
with the sailboat
on it

he took me there
where it was full
of quiet and
crying and
flowers
he took me to visit
my brother

and that is where
and when
i came to understand
that i would never
be whole
complete
or enough
while so much of me
was underground
while so much of me
was removed

moved from family
to home
to garden
where
dead
jewish
children
bloom

he is my dormant side
who wakes
when i lie on the grass
beside him
as i wait for him
to come to me
to come for me
in the eyes
of others

ii
the picture i want
is of you and me
from years ago
years before
you consumed me

i do not remember
before
you left me alone
with them
before you took
so much of me away
before i knew i wanted to go
all the way with you

as it stands today
the picture is of only me
searching

it is only half there
i have always only been
half there
and aware of carrying
the burden of your death
of being son as well as
daughter

the picture i see
is of how i still
love you
once ago

In this poem I share the power of the loss of my brother at an early age in a memory from visiting his resting place with my father. I hope it will resonate for you as you also work to resolve your past and how events entirely out of your control have shaped your view of the world…knowing that you can integrate and become whole again, and that you deserve the life you desire.

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