I’m spending the night with myself for the first time in ages.
Contrary to what some might believe, I’m an introvert and recharge by being alone. I actually crave hours on end without anyone else around.
And I’m in a relationship with a man who has a strong need for connection, of course!
When I used to travel constantly for my work, I made a conscious effort to spend as much time with him as I could. And I got my alone-time on the road. But now that I’m around for long stretches of time between trips, honoring my own desire to be alone can be tricky.
We’ve been having a lot of togetherness lately and that’s led to my longing for solo-time.
In the past (like, last week) when this arose I would start to freak out and revert to my old belief that I’m not built for relationship and life is easier alone.
But I’ve recently (like, in the last few minutes) had a massive revelation.
I’m always going to sometimes want to be alone.
I’m always going to sometimes feel suffocated.
I’m always going to sometimes work my fight, flight or freeze muscle.
I’m always going to sometimes find it annoying to share life.
I’m always going to sometimes feel frustrated by the friction of rubbing up against another person.
I’m always going to sometimes feel triggered and project my shit all over him.
It’s not about him. It never is.
It’s about the big fat mirror he is holding up – thank you very much – for me to see myself more clearly, and evolve.
I get now that if I choose to accept that “I’m always going to sometimes feel X,” then I don’t need to be afraid when any of that stuff arises. I don’t need to resist it or wish it would go away or wish he would go away. I only need to listen and honor the voice of my truth and desires within.
Please don’t get me wrong. I love him. I love us. But I love me too, and I now know that if I don’t take care of my own needs, no one wins.
And so tonight, I get me all to myself.
No one else to rub up against – the good way or the bad way.
Grateful to feel liberated in love.
The sun just set over the mountains.
The sky is an invitation…and I am listening…
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