High on the trail I run into a deer, in the exact same spot where last summer’s deer spoke to me, so I assume he’s returned to follow up. Letting me get within twenty feet, his eyes reveal that I have now reached a rung of closure. I keep ruminating about something my friend Christiane Northrup said: “We heal through repetition. Each time on the spiral we go back to the same place but we’re on a higher rung, or deeper section of that particular issue. I really believe that all of the things we came in to heal within ourselves is our piece of healing within humanity, and we keep refining it over and over and over again.”  While I know it’s a sign of healing to be feeling the pain, I am just now finally learning that only through repetition do we have the chance to get it right. I am grateful for my brother’s courage to leave in this lifetime, perhaps actualizing with utmost grace the deal he made to live a limited life so I could expand.

we were born
into a mourning family
perhaps there are traces

i was born while they
awaited his death
could do no wrong
in space and time
since i was healthy

as we made our way
she was born
in the aftermath
invisible traces
through the universe

they waited
until he was gone
through kings and
wars and
volcanoes
to have another
traces that tell all

i was
not always
the oldest
child

i was
even though
no longer
the snow
even the healthy
melt overnight

my brother has died
perhaps there are traces
mother turned away
leaving behind religion
while in space
and time
father became more devout

as they make
their way
i side with my mother
how can there be a god
through the universe
if my brother has died

traces that
believe strongly
in the spirit
of the dead
walking through
doorways
volcanoes
i’ve passed before
traces that tell all

and i still find myself
even though
looking for him
overnight
in dark corridors

~ from Writing for My Life…Reclaiming the Lost Pieces of Me: A Poetic Journey by Nancy Levin