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no now without then

Letting go has been on my mind a lot lately. And in my body. My big revelation: the key to letting go lies on the other side of actually inviting the memory in deep first. It seems like everywhere I turn right now I am being given the opportunity to dive in and then release.  The way a familiar aroma of specific recipes unexpectedly fills my home, fragrant grief enveloping me years after he was here cooking for us. Or how taking off my ski boots, a ritual that was always accompanied by all of my past dogs feverishly licking my nose, floods me with the sensation of loss while unbuckling, further anchoring in doglessness. But I find that if I remember to allow these visceral reminders to really soak in, instead of denying them, that I can swim through the emotion and emerge without a fight. Knowing in my soul that I had to be there in order to arrive here…reveling in relief, freedom, and joy.



no now without then

there is a trick
no one tells
about letting go

you can’t fully release
what isn’t firmly in your grasp

everything we seek externally
must first be resolved internally

you must get right
to the heart of it
seduce the memories
immerse yourself in inquiry

truth will only
come for you once
embrace her and
she’ll be quick
refuse and
she will linger

a tie to a certain time
will reveal a rip in the body
requiring remembrance
before being restored

goodnight to the way things were
sleepwalking through my unlived life
goodnight to the hiding
fear always finding a way to crush hope
goodnight to the woman i was
years of holding everything in
goodnight to the silence
my once strangled voice screams
knowing that no woman could stay
if i couldn’t

seems like a long time ago – this
when i wasn’t interested in time

but now the past is
burning away
and it has a distinct scent
which i’ve kept
to remind me
that what we got
is exactly what we needed
and that
i must be traveling

outlines and echoes fade
and by morning
all ocean and train outside
the pieces begin to re-pattern
extraction from the
quicksand of marriage
now embedding a new code
while preparing me
for everything
and this


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