Michael: I’m 61 years old. I’ve had a very, very successful career and very unfulfilling. And now I’m transitioning into something that my heart wants and I’m really scared.
Nancy: If you didn’t have this fear, what could you do?
Michael: Anything. Anything.
Nancy: That’s the answer. So it’s in the doing, it’s in the action.
So you have money coming to you that you have not claimed?
Michael: Yeah.
Nancy: Do you hear the juxtaposition?
Michael: Yeah, it’s like ridiculous.
Nancy: Are you willing to deal with that this week?
Michael: Yes.
Nancy: Are you willing to reach out to the kids?
Michael: I will, yeah.
Nancy: And are you willing to look at the practical matters of your expenses, your bills, what you would need to bring in as a coach?
Michael: Yes.
Nancy: Great. That’s enough for now.
Michael: Okay.
Nancy: Thank you.
Michael: Thank you too, so much.
Nancy: Welcome to Your Permission Prescription. I’m Nancy Levin, founder of Levin Life Coach Academy, bestselling author, master life coach, and your host. I train life coaches, aspiring coaches, and anyone who wants to add coaching skills to their current career to elevate their life and their business. I’ve coached thousands of people to live life on their own terms, and now I coach, train, and certify other coaches to do the same.
If you are ready to give yourself permission to finally make yourself a priority and mobilize your vision, you’re in the right place. Let’s dive in.
Nancy: Welcome back to another episode of Your Permission Prescription and today we have a live coaching episode, which means these are unscripted. We have people coming on today to ask questions, to get coached, and I have no idea what they’re even going to ask me about. And I love the spontaneity of these live sessions and am excited to bring this one to you.
So first up, we’ve got Julie, and Julie is a student in the current cohort of Levin Life Coach Academy. Hi Julie.
Julie: Hi Nancy. I’m so excited to be on my favorite podcast.
Nancy: Ooh, I love that. I love hearing that. So how may I support you today?
Julie: So I’ve been considering an international move for quite a few years and I am ready to make the jump, but I’m feeling really nervous and I’m wondering how do I deal with the fear and uncertainty of making such a big decision? It feels like I’m making myself not stable.
Nancy: Say more about that. It feels like you’re making yourself not stable.
Julie: So I am planning to sell the house that I own and I have some equity here. And so I’m planning to take that piece of money out of my house and move to Mexico. And I guess I have this, maybe I have a, a belief that I’m not good with money. And so that by having this big pot of money that’s now liquid, that it’s gonna be too easy to squander it. And I guess I have some fears too, about what will people think if I fail and have to come back home and now I don’t have any place to live.
Nancy: What will you think if you fail and would it be a failure?
Julie: Well, I guess I’m really caught up in the thought that I’m a very independent person and I wouldn’t wanna have to ask for help in the future.
Nancy: Okay. So it’s, it’s coming from there I think. So let me ask you, so from just a purely logistical and practical standpoint, if we take the desire piece out of it. From a logistical and practical standpoint, is this something that you can do?
Julie: Yes. I mean I can certainly sell my house. I can certainly get on an airplane and move to Mexico and explore different places to live. I’ve been wanting to do that for quite a while.
Nancy: Would it take all the money you get from the sale?
Julie: No, actually I plan to use, I have some credit card debt, which is kind of weighing on me right now. So I plan to use some of the equity to fix that little issue and I’ll still have a good chunk.
One of the things I’m doing to help myself feel better about it is I’m exploring investing in real estate in Mexico. For example, I might have enough money to actually buy a small condo outright. And I think that thought is making me feel a little more comfortable, like, because then I’d still have a place to live.
Nancy: And tell me what the real underlying fear is for you around making this jump.
Julie: I think it’s a combination of I don’t wanna be seen as a screw up that I took a big risk that wasn’t smart. Right?
Nancy: Yep.
Julie: And the other thing is just not having a place to land in the future, partly because of my age. I’m 65, I’m taking my social security, so I feel like, hmm, man, do 65 year olds take these kind of leaps. Right.
Nancy: So everything I’m hearing and what you’re sharing is that you pride yourself on being independent. You pride yourself on being self-reliant and responsible. I’m just curious, do you think it’s likely you will get yourself into a situation like the one you’re naming?
Julie: No.
Nancy: So that’s where I really wanna ask. Like yes, obviously it could happen, but it is it, is it likely to happen?
Julie: Well, I guess I’ve done a lot of research by watching YouTube videos about other expats living in Mexico and what the costs are. And I can see that people who are living frugally can live on just my social security income, but I’m not someone who’s always lived frugally. So that’s not my lifestyle choice, you know?
Nancy: It’s also sounding to me that this is not a rash decision.
Julie: Absolutely not. I’ve been actually thinking about it for many years. The first time I saw International Living Magazine, I was like, Ooh, international living. And I’ve really been exploring that idea ever since.
Nancy: And so if you look at, you know, a timeframe of selling your house, moving, you know, if you give yourself a certain amount of time and sort of work backwards from there, reverse engineer it, what kind of timeframe are you looking at?
Julie: I’m looking to make the move in the next six weeks, actually.
Nancy: So before you sell the house, perhaps?
Julie: Yeah, get it already. I’ve already called the painter.
Nancy: Okay.
Julie: He’s coming. So, you know, just get it already in the next six weeks and then put it on the market. One of my neighbors just listed his house, so that’s very interesting because I can see what he, what kind of activity he is getting and if you know how long it takes his house to sell.
Nancy: Okay. So when you say you’re moving, what does that actually mean? Does it mean for good forever? Does it mean you’re putting everything in storage? Does it mean, you know, could you say, okay, I’m gonna go to Mexico for six months instead of I’m moving.
Julie: Last year, I was thinking that last year, I actually had, six months ago I had a trip planned and I ended up canceling it. So I was going to explore. Now am feel like I’m in a situation where that’s not an option anymore. I really need to sell the house.
So when I say I’m moving, yes, I, I really feel like I need to sell the house. And I guess that’s what’s causing me to be fearful.
Nancy: And it’s interesting because you’ve got like an all or nothing, you know? Whereas it could be, I mean here’s, you could sell the house and go to Mexico for six months.
Julie: Right.
Nancy: Or three months or whatever, you know, pick a, pick a number and then reassess.
Julie: True.
Nancy: You could certainly, you know, rent something somewhere else if you haven’t found what you wanna buy yet in Mexico. So in other words, your home that you’re selling is not the only place you can live other than Mexico.
Julie: True, true. I think I’m limiting my thinking because, you know, just, I’ve had this house for a while, it was an investment for me, so the mortgage is low, you know?
Nancy: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it reminds me of, you know, I remember when I got divorced, my ex-husband got the brand new truck that I had bought. And so I didn’t have a car for two years. And a friend of mine one day finally said to me, why don’t you have a car? And I said, oh, he got it in the divorce. And I, and then my friend said to me, oh, so that’s the only car in the world? You know what I’m saying? So that it’s not so much that it’s, so, I just don’t want you to think of it so much as either/or.
Julie: Right.
Nancy: I really encourage you to think about it from the perspective of, here are all my options.
So for example, Linda Perry, who works with us in LLCA, she just sold her house and up and moved to Portugal.
Julie: Right, I saw that.
Nancy: So she’s got an Airbnb for a month in one place so that she can look and find other places where she wants to be. Her plan is for a year to be traveling around Europe to decide where she wants to be. So, you, you may not choose to do it like that, but you could decide that with some of the money from the sale of the house, you’re gonna spend a little bit of time deciding where you really wanna be and where you would really wanna buy.
Julie: Right. I plan to do that. That is one of my goals is to at least visit three different areas of Mexico. So.
Nancy: Yeah. And let me just ask you, let’s just take the whole idea of failure off the table and what will everyone think and having to ask for help. What really is for you, like what’s the worst thing that can happen? What’s the worst case scenario?
Julie: The worst case scenario would be that I have to live on my little social security income for the rest of my life and you know, it’s not gonna be comfortable.
Nancy: Right. And I come back to how likely is it that you are going to allow that to be the circumstance for you?
Julie: I mean I’m, as you know, I’m training to be a life coach and so I feel very optimistic that I’m going to build a business there. So,
Nancy: Yeah. You know, this also reminds me of, you know, I’m an overachiever, I’m highly responsible and yet I would also expend a lot of energy worrying.
And literally like one day I had one of those moments of, if I plan for something and if I do it smartly, you know, I don’t have to spend all this energy worrying. I can actually take that off of myself. So in terms of like the plan of action for you, what can you do over these next six weeks to ensure that you’re setting yourself up for a successful experience?
Julie: I guess I could figure out where I’m going to stay for the first month as far as Airbnb or the place I’m gonna stay and, and figure out what that’s going to cost. And also just what my total expenses are going to be for the trip, for paying off some of my debts and, you know, expenses for, I don’t know, 30 days. And then the chunk of money that I’m going to get, I think it would be smart too if I decide what investment vehicle I’m going to put that into, just to make sure that it’s safe.
Obviously I could buy an annuity of something that would pay me monthly for the rest of my life or, you know, I really like investing in real estate. So that’s.
Nancy: So to me, from what you’re sharing, you’ve thought this through, it’s not a rash decision. You’ve got a plan and I wonder what the cost will be emotionally if you don’t do this.
Julie: Right. I think the cost is just feeling bored with this life that I have, which is a very nice life that some people might envy, but I would just feel bored and wonder why I never did it. Right. Why didn’t I ever do that?
Nancy: Yeah. So you wanna be able to look back and not have that regret of, why didn’t I give this a shot. Does that outweigh the fear of doing it? Does the fear of not doing it outweigh the fear of doing it?
Julie; I think, I think if I was younger it would be like automatically yes.
Nancy: Tell me about if I was younger, because I always come back to, you know, Louise Hay didn’t start Hay House till she was 60.
Julie: Right, I know. And, and that’s limited thinking for me to say I’m too old or, you know, I really should be smart and stable. I have friends my age who are in retirement communities already, you know.
Nancy: Do you have anyone financially dependent upon you or is it just you responsible for yourself?
Julie: Just me. Just me, myself and I.
Nancy: Yeah. I mean, right there is freedom.
Julie: Right.
Nancy: So I, I really invite you to weigh this. Like, does the fear of staying, or let’s say, does the fear of going outweigh the fear of staying?
Julie: Hmm. Yeah. I’ll have to think about that.
Nancy: Or does the fear of staying outweigh the fear of going, you know, whichever direction, because that’s what you need. That’s what you wanna look at, is, can you know, can I live with, can I be with this fear I have of making this change? Can I live with that fear? Because I know that that fear is less than what my life would look like if I don’t make any change.
Julie: And I’m noticing that because I’ve collapsed the timeline that it makes it a little easier. It’s like I don’t have time to sit here and worry if I’m selling my house in six weeks. I have a lot of things to do. Right?
Nancy: Yeah. Do you feel like you have your plan of action of everything you need in place to sell the house, to go to storage, all those, whatever pieces there are?
Julie: Absolutely. Yep.
Nancy: See, you’ve given this a lot of thought
Julie: For sure. I was going to sell the house about four years ago and it didn’t happen.
Nancy: So Why? What’s the reason why it didn’t happen?
Julie: Because I, I met a really nice man that lived next door and we began a beautiful relationship. So I’ve been here four years longer than I planned on.
Nancy: For someone else, would you say?
Julie: I’d say with someone else.
Nancy: Okay, great, with someone else.
Julie: I made a choice.
Nancy: Yeah, you made a choice. Right. And it’s always your choice. You always have the choice.
Julie: Yeah.
Nancy: What are you gonna choose, Julie?
Julie: I think I’ve already made my decision
Nancy: I do too. You know, I always say, I always say, your heart has already jumped, your head just has to catch up with your heart.
Julie: Right. If I could just put some kind of blinders on my brain so it would stop thinking.
Nancy: Well, part of this is you remembering you have control of your thoughts and remembering you have control of what you believe. And you can always ask yourself the questions that we’ve explored inside of Reinvention Coaching in Levin Life Coach Academy, you know, what is the story I’m telling myself and what is the truth?
Julie: Right. And it’s very, you know, it’s very clear to me that some of these stories go back to things that happened to me as a child or traumatic event, you know? And so some of these stories are going back in time, and so I see it, it’s so interesting.
Nancy: Yeah. And you get to, you get to write the new story.
Julie: Right.
Nancy: You know, and I would go ahead and put yourself in the future to the place of, if I’m looking back, will I, will I have regret that I did not do this? And which is more powerful, that regret or the fear of going, or the fear of staying, you know, you’ve got all these different aspects, but it does sound like from what you’re sharing that if you stay, you’re not really living into the fullness of your life.
Julie: Right. It feels like a limited version.
Nancy: Right.
Julie: And this particular house wasn’t really a choice that I made. It was kind of an accident that I ended up here in the beginning.
Nancy: And what becomes possible for you if you go, if you move.
Julie: So I can choose where I’m living, what kind of community I’m in, and what people I’m, I’m around. It’ll be a lot different. Like one thing, for example, I’ve always wanted to be able to walk to the market and I love having fresh food and you know, I can’t do that here. So I just love to live in a little neighborhood where there’s a market around the corner and I can walk to the cafe and there’s artists around, you know, that’s my idea.
Nancy: Yeah. And I will tell you, I am someone who is very impacted by environment and by geography. You know, I, I live in Boulder, Colorado because there’s 300 plus days of sunshine a year. Because I can walk out my door for 10 minutes and be on a mountain trail. This is what’s important to me. I can walk to restaurants, I can walk to, like you said, like walk to the market, do all that. Those are very important values to me. And I don’t wanna live in a place where I can’t do that.
And think about how much will open up for you in a life, in a place, where you can.
Julie: Right. And I’ve been to Boulder and I love it there. So, I absolutely know what you’re saying and, and it’s been on my mind for a long time to make this shift.
Nancy: So what, what do you need to know or believe in order for your head to align with your heart about this jump? What do you need to know or believe?
Julie: I need to know that there’s good internet service where I’m going, right?
Nancy: Yeah.
Julie: So that I can operate my business and also just, I need to know that no matter what happens, I’ll be okay.
Nancy: Yes. And you are smiling really big, which tells me that you, you know that is true.
Julie: Right. I trust myself to make wise decisions.
Nancy: And do your due diligence on the internet. Julie, thank you, thanks for coming on.
Julie: It’s been great Nancy. Thanks so much, appreciate it.
Nancy: You’re very welcome.
Next up we’ve got Michael who happens to be in my Levin Life Coach Academy training right now. Hey Michael.
Michael: Hey Nancy. How are you?
Nancy: I am well. I’m happy to see you.
Michael: Thank you for having me, I appreciate it.
Nancy: Sure. So what may I support you with today?
Michael: I find in this part of my life, I’m 61 years old. I’ve had a very, very successful career and very unfulfilling. And now I’m transitioning into something that my heart wants and I’m really scared. And I have all in my mind, all these antidotes of why not to be scared, that the universe has put me in this place.
Before I decided to be a coach, I had no idea who Nancy Levin even was, but I wanted to be a coach.
I have a coaching certificate for people in recovery from addictions, but I felt there were a lot of incompletions in that program. And the thoroughness of your program is what attracted me to you. Because when I did this recovery coach training, I thought I was going to get this support at the end too.
And I was actually told at the beginning of the training that even to the point where the person said, well, I priced out this training in a way where I figured out how much money you guys would make if you became recovery coaches. So, and it’s yoga informed recovery. So I’m sober now, 13 years, and it’s something I wanT share with the world, and I’m scared.
So the thing that I’m, I, I wanted to talk today mostly was about incompletions.
Nancy: Great.
Michael: And I find that I let things linger out there because then I don’t have to face my fears. And I wanted to know what you, like, what would be an effective way for me to work on my incompletions?
Nancy: Great. I wanna go back to something you said at the very beginning when you started talking. You said, I’ve had a very successful career, but it hasn’t been fulfilling. What is your definition of success?
Michael: What was my definition?
Nancy: Well, Okay, let’s start there. What was your definition?
Michael: Financial security.
Nancy: And what is it now?
Michael: To a certain degree, it’s financial security as well.
Nancy: And yet you recognize in you that the fulfillment piece also plays a role.
Michael: Correct.
Nancy: So there has to be, in your definition of success, more than just financial security.
Michael: For me, yeah that’s a very good point. Thank you.
I, when I got divorced and I made sure, cause success to me was financial security at that point, that everybody in my family was taken care of except for me.
Nancy: Okay.
Michael: Financially. And to a certain degree with what’s gone on in the world over the last four years, it’s, you know, for lack of a better way to, it’s bit me in the ass a little bit.
Nancy: Right.
Michael: Honestly, financial security. And there’s certain times in my life, and specifically I could say when I was playing sports as a kid in high school and college basketball for, for, and when I teach yoga or when I sponsor a sponsee that my heart opens up. And that would be for financial security and a full heart.
Nancy: Yeah. A full heart. So that to me is about purpose and meaning and fulfillment and satisfaction. So when the fear arises about making a shift around career, I wonder if you are aware that you may be holding this as either/or. So in other words, what would it look like if you stayed doing what you were doing for a little while as you were building your coaching?
Michael: That’s kind of what I’m doing right now. And it’s, it’s hard. It, it, it’s hard that it’s hard because I came back to the business and it’s not what it was and I’m struggling at it even though I’m surviving. And it, it drains me.
Nancy: Right. Because you found something you would rather put your heart into. So it now doing what you used to do is coming at a cost and if you’re looking at this from, from the aspect first of financial security, do you have an awareness of what is true in terms of what you will need to earn, let’s say each month or each year, or however you wanna look at it?
Michael: That’s part of my incompletions. I avoid that.
Nancy: Okay. So you avoid budgeting or avoid looking at, if I have this many clients over this period of time, I’ll earn this much money, which then helps me feel more free.
Michael: Correct.
Nancy: Okay. So that’s really, I would say step one, is to begin looking at if you wanna replace the income you’re making from your “job job”, you know, or if you don’t need to replace that in full, but looking at what is realistic or what you will really need to cover your expenses to really start looking, okay, I could have, I’m making all of this up, you know, I could have 10 clients a week and know that over the course of the year I would be fine. Or I could have five clients a week and know that over the course of the year I’d be fine, or whatever it might be.
But to start looking at, you know, because you’re in this program, you know, we’ve talked a little bit about the starting point for pricing and packages. You can decide what you are pricing your coaching package at, therefore you know how many clients you’ll need per coaching package over a certain period of time. So it’s very, you know, that piece is very practical. What feels either scary about it or what has you wanna turn away from that?
Michael: I’ve, I’ve never sat down and done it.
Nancy: Okay.
Michael: And I think part of the reason I don’t sit down and do it is because I’m afraid of, I’m afraid that the answer isn’t gonna be what I want it to be.
But that’s not just with this, that’s with anything, that’s with the relationship with my children.
Nancy: Right.
Michael: You know, like I have a, I have a three stepchildren and a and a step grandson and I don’t confront them about my strained relationship with them, in fear of losing the relationship with them.
Nancy: Right. So in other words, like you take what you can get instead of actually allowing the possibility of something deeper and more connected and more intimate.
Michael: Yes.
Nancy: Right. So it really, it comes down to conflict-avoidance. And what happens when we are that conflict avoidant, we continue taking the hit.
Regarding the financial piece, however, you know, so, and, and I hope that you will continue on in the LLCA Alumni, but I’ll tell you, that the next program that you have the option to be certified in is Worthy Coaching. Which all comes down to sort of the intersection between self-worth and net worth. And it’s not just about money, but it’s about power or control or energy or time.
But here’s the first step in Worthy Coaching is about taking off the blinders. We create more stress and anxiety for ourselves by what we don’t look at. And we catastrophize. So if we’re not looking at our, you know, credit card bills or our bank balances, or you know, if we’re sort of keeping our head in the sand and not looking at what’s really going on, chances are you’ve created a scarier scenario for you than what really truly exists. And action alleviates anxiety and overwhelm.
So even the action of sitting down and thinking to yourself, okay, Reinvention Coaching, for example is an, is a two month, an eight week coaching package. You know, here’s how many clients I would need at that over time to be able to have the income I desire.
So the truth of the matter is you, and with coaching, you can, you have more control than you think over how much you can work and what you can bring in. Now I’m not saying get, you know, 50 clients a week and have burnout, but I’m saying you can calibrate to how many, how many clients you want to be coaching as you move through our program. You know, you get to do group coaching, there’s additional other coaching models and ways of coaching that can increase your revenue.
But unless you’re willing to really look at, here’s what’s true, you’re gonna continue making up a story that’s scarier than the truth. So when you were talking about incompletions, what, what are the other incompletions?
So, and for anyone listening, I’ll just simply share that in my book, The Art of Change: A Guided Journal and in Reinvention Coaching, which is the first coaching model we do inside of LLCA, there is a whole piece on incompletions, which really is unfinished business. Which really are things that are, that are still outstanding, that are incomplete and many of us have incompletions that are no longer alive for us, but we keep ourselves tied to them because at one time they were important, or at one time we told ourselves we needed to do this.
So the first thing I would say might be, you know, what are you aware of that you can release or let go of that’s draining your energy? And what can you increase and integrate that will replenish the energy?
Michael: Well the relationships with the children is an incompletion.
Nancy: Yep.
Michael: Certain emotional ties that I still keep with my ex-wife.
Nancy: Yep.
Michael: Physically, you know, focusing on my health.
Nancy: Yep.
Michael: And more, more about not focusing on my health, but being aware of where I am at each point in time. Realizing that I do have a little bit of money to get me through for some, for a little bit of time and not feeling like I am, like I, this is one of my favorite lines that I use. The person that’s least attracted to me is me.
Nancy: And you know, you know me. So, you know, I’m, I’m probably gonna say something like that’s actually the starting point. You know, that’s where the shift really needs to happen.
And whether it is about learning how to really trust yourself, learning how to be an acceptance of yourself, you know, learning how to forgive yourself. All of that is going to fuel you being able to explore a new relationship with your children, for example. Or have the courage to say goodbye to the old job and welcome in the new coaching career fully.
Michael: Well, just on that note, I really resonated with a potential client that was given to me and she’s a teacher? No, she’s not a teacher she has teenage children. So the only time she could do it is during the day. And I’ve made a statement to my clients and my coworkers that Monday mornings I’m not gonna be at work until noon because I’m working with this client.
Nancy: Okay.
Michael: So I’m, that’s like, and to me that’s like putting my toe in the water for the shift.
Nancy: Excellent. And how does it feel uncomfortable? Are you?
Michael: Yeah. So of course it feels uncomfortable.
Nancy: And how are you doing with that discomfort?
Michael: In and out.
Nancy: Yep. So on that note of what you said you did, that you’re taking the Monday morning for coaching, one of the things I often like to say is, you showing up at your job as opposed, not the coaching, but you showing up at work, you could likely show up at let’s say 75% of your energy and attention and still excel. And reserve some energy so that you’re not so depleted so that you have it for your coaching
Michael: Agreed.
Also, one thing I would like to share is that my energy when I’m coaching is at a much different level. It’s high test gasoline as opposed to regular.
Nancy: Exactly.
Michael: Because it’s, because it’s coming from my heart.
Nancy: Of course.
Michael: When I get into that first part, when, when I, after listening at the beginning of everything, and then when I get to, you know, close my eyes and listen to what somebody says, something happens inside my body.
Nancy: Yeah.
Michael: And that’s why I’m here.
Nancy: Yeah. I mean, you’re l you knowit lights you up. I mean, it’s what lights you up. So what are the choices you can be making and the actions you can be taking to move you away from the fear? Move you away from the fear so that you can actually have more clarity about making the shift?
Michael: What we’re gonna go through for the next nine weeks is
Nancy: Yeah.
Michael: It’s a big, it’s a major thing.
Nancy; Yep.
Michael: I’ve hired a person to help me with Google and a lot of the technology we need to use.
Nancy: Right.
Michael: I’m learning how, I’m learning from a friend how to use social media and put myself out there. I have spiritual leaders from the yoga community and the recovery community that I dialogue with every day. And I write down stuff and, and I’m, and I use, and I post stuff.
Nancy: Yep.
Michael: You know, I just getting myself in it, you know, just being in it, you know, listening. I mean, I listened, you know, I go back and listen to when, If I like, and I hate, I don’t mean this in any way except for the most positive way, when I’m lazy right? Instead, instead, instead of like just going and watching a series on TV. I’ll go to the Gaia channel and I’ll watch Joe Dispenza or I will come back and rewatch our replay.
Nancy: Great. So the missing link, the missing link here still comes back to what is it that you believe about success as a coach, your ability to have success as a coach?
Michael: My belief is that I have incredible potential to be a successful coach. I’m fearful of the financial part of it.
Nancy: Right. So what if I suggest that your fear is a habit that just, it comes outta your mouth so easily. This is gonna sound very simplistic, but it’s like, if you didn’t have this fear, what could you do?
Michael: Anything. Anything.
Nancy: That’s the answer. Of course, that’s the answer. So it’s in the doing, it’s in the action, which I know you’ve heard me say ad nauseum, it’s in the action. So even in the action of looking at the finances of coaching realistically, so that you actually know what you’re working with instead of hypothetical in your head. That’s an action you can take.
Michael: Yeah, I mean, the action that I’ve taken is that if I can do the coaching, I can create my yoga and recovery business simultaneously.
Nancy: You can.
Michael: I know I can. And honestly, I mean, you, when you say, when you said to me like ad nauseum, like, I don’t need it, I need ad nauseum.
Nancy: Right.
Michael: I need it, you know.
Nancy: Right.
Michael: And, and you talk about simplistically like my biggest fears are when I wake up in the morning, that first thing, like my, one of my teachers calls it the vulture on the headboard.
Nancy: Yeah.
Michael: So I have, so my therapist had me draw this like very simplistic smiley face and put it on my headlamp. So when I wake up in the morning, I see it.
Nancy: So I’m, I’m gonna even go one step further. I used to be someone who literally woke up every morning and thought, what do I need to worry about today?
Michael: Yeah. I’m with you.
Nancy: And I shifted myself to be able to wake up in the morning and my first thought is, what is the most self-loving action I can take today? What is the most self-loving choice I can make today? So the first thoughts of my day begin with me and my needs before I start giving attention to anyone else.
And I will tell you, like, I used to wake up in that full spin, and it’s been years now, but that simple shift of putting the attention on myself upon waking and really checking in with what I need to start there. What is an action I can take? What’s a choice I can make? And let that be the way you begin your day.
Michael: I love that.
Nancy: And these don’t have to be big actions or big choices. But even the action today, I’m gonna sit down and look at all of my expenses and add everything up and see how much I really need to make. Every month I’m gonna sit down and look at a calendar and I’m gonna draft out what would be a reasonable coaching schedule for me as I’m still weaning myself out of my other career. What would I need for full-time coaching and let go of the other career entirely?
You know, really create for yourself something tangible and specific because that’s gonna alleviate the anxiety you’re feeling from not knowing what’s real or even looking at.
Okay, you know, you said that, you said this piece about your kids several times, and in fact, when I asked you about the incompletions, you said something about your kids before you even talked about money. So what would it look like for you, i’m making all this up again, to write a letter to each kid or what would it look like to, you know, write, to make a video that you send to the kids or you know, whatever it would be to invite them into a different relationship with you. You know, these are actions that you can take.
Michael: I mean, it’s so deep right now that like, I’m coming back, I’m flying up to New York for a wedding.
Nancy: Yep.
Michael: April 21st, Saturday’s April 22nd. And I wanna see my step grandson, and I’m afraid to ask because I don’t want to be rejected.
Nancy: Right. And what would it be like to even…
Michael: It probably wouldn’t feel great if I got rejected,
Nancy: But what would it, but here’s the thing, you’re already rejecting yourself. So what would it be like to vulnerably say, you know, I am afraid of being rejected in this request, but I can’t live with myself unless I ask. You know?
Michael: Yeah. And that’s why I’m here right now. I mean, take this opportunity to be coached by you is was something I wasn’t going to let slide by.
Nancy: I’m glad. Because the other piece of this is, you know, whenever we’re fearing rejection to that degree, we have already rejected a part of ourselves. And we’ve already presumed the other person is going to reject us.
Now listen, I get that there might be a lot of shit there.
Michael: Yeah, no, I hear you.
Nancy: You know, and I also know that healing can happen in an instant by a reach out, by extending a hand, by extending your heart. You have a lot of heart.
Michael: Thank you.
Nancy: You’re all heart. And by opening your heart, you give others permission to open theirs.
But if you come from the place of, you know, really, I mean, everything I’ve heard you say is my heart hurts that we don’t have a relationship. And if you can come from that place, not pointing a finger at them, but really coming from, here’s what’s going on with me, I hurt because we don’t have a relationship. I hurt because I wanna see my grandson and I fear you’ll reject me and I have to ask,
Michael:I’m going to meditate on it and hopefully do it.
Nancy: I would love for you to let me know.
Michael: Of course.
Nancy: Great. And what do you think about those practical pieces about looking at the calendar and looking at the expenses?
Michael I think, I think that’s why I hired the person to help me with Google.
Nancy: That’s great.
Michael: You know, I mean, I, I have, I have an investment and they have, they have a distribution for me. And I, this is how crazy I get, they wanna change the terms of the investment, which they have the right to do and not change them a lot. But I haven’t addressed that and, and gotten the money that they owe me. I’ve let the money sit there because I refuse because I don’t wanna make that decision on what to do about the investment.
So you have money coming to you that you have not claimed?
Michael: Yeah.
Nancy: Do you hear the juxtaposition?
Michael: Yeah, it’s like ridiculous. It’s silly.
Nancy: Are you willing to deal with that this week?
Michael: Yes.
Nancy: Are you willing to reach out to the kids?
Michael: I will, yeah.
Nancy: And are you willing to look at the practical matters of your expenses, your bills, what you would need to bring in as a coach?
Michael: Yes.
Nancy: Great. That’s enough for now.
Michael: Okay.
Nancy: Thank you.
Michael: Thank you too, so much.
Nancy: All right, next up we’ve got Paula. Hello there.
Paula: Hi Nancy. How are you?
Nancy: I am well. How are you?
Paula: Good, thank you.
Nancy: How may I support you today?
Paula: I have a question.
Nancy: Okay.
Paula: And everything started when I, it’s about boundaries and also criticizing and confrontation.
Nancy: Okay.
Paula: I wrote you on Instagram.
Nancy: Yes.
Paula: Because, eh, my mom passed away one month ago.
Nancy: I’m so sorry.
Paula: Thank you so much. But eh, it turns that my cousin, her niece, my mom didn’t like her.
Nancy: Okay.
Paula: At all because all, eh, she done so many things to my mom and I am a people pleaser.
So, but eh, my mom woke me up, like she says, I felt like say that you don’t, I don’t want, she goes to my funeral, please.
Nancy: Okay.
Paula: And I just spoke up and I say, no, I don’t want, she goes to the, my mom’s funeral.
Nancy: Yes.
Paula: So this ended up in a war world, you know, in my family. My aunt was so upset and they started to calling me and saying bad things. And I say, I just following my heart, I just trying to be coherent where like, I’ve been doing inner work.
Nancy: Yes, inner work
Paula: For the past five years, I wrote a book. I’m a coach too. I’m trying to be just honest. And I say, I’m so sorry, but this is what I feel and I don’t want anything. Okay. But I did it. I say, okay, Paula, you did a great job, okay.
But then I feel guilty and, and I cannot confront people and also I am afraid of being criticized. You know, that’s my problem.
Nancy: Okay. So thank you for sharing all of that and there’s a few things in here. So first, when you are telling your truth and you feel guilty, it’s actually a signal that you are honoring yourself. The guilt is there to tell you that you’re choosing you instead of abandoning yourself. Do you see what I’m saying?
Paula: Yes.
Nancy: Yes. So the guilt in this context is a good thing because you’re not just going along, you’re not just, you’re not compromising, you’re not sacrificing yourself. You’re standing in what’s true for you, even if other people are disappointed, even if other people are angry. Because ultimately someone else’s response to your truth is not your responsibility to manage. It’s their responsibility, how they deal with what’s true for you.
When you’re setting a boundary and you feel the pushback, you simply get to come to the place where you stand by what I will often call my company line. You know, it’s my wish, or it’s my mother’s wish that so-and-so not be here, and I’m choosing to honor that. And then, you know, blah blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It’s my wish and my mother’s wish, you know that she does not come to the funeral. I’m honoring that.
And you may need to say that 27 times, you know, to stand in that. And the peace about conflict and the people-pleasing and the peice also about fearing the criticism and the judgment. Remember that if we fear any criticism or judgment from anyone else out there, we’re already doing it inside of ourselves.
So it’s likely that you’re already holding judgment against yourself and criticizing yourself for what you’re doing or not doing.
Paula: That’s right.
Nancy: What really needs to happen is you need to get in alignment with yourself so that no judgment or criticism from the outside world can stick. If you’re good with you, what happens out there won’t have the same impact. The only reason you’re getting activated is that you’re thinking this about yourself. I’m a bad person for not letting her come to the funeral or whatever it is.
Paula: That’s true. And when I read your book, the Boundaries
Nancy: Yes.
Paula: One, I love it. I went to like seven, I’m from Colombia, I live here in us, but I, I went to One Hay House event, you know, with all the authors, and you were there, and I didn’t know you. When you started to speak up your story about your ho ex-husband and I was like, oh my God. I, I was so told and I related to you, I don’t know in a, in a different way, but I relate it to you.
So when you started, when you started your journey, your awakening path.
Nancy: Yes.
Paula: How did you, because you’re saying yes, it’s true, I’m judging myself, I’m hating myself. So how do I start to just be compassionate with me and loving myself? Because yes, I judge myself all the time, even though I’ve done so many things. Right now, I have a book in two languages, I help people, I do, but I don’t see those things because I’m still feeling bad about myself.
Nancy: Right. And so this, you know, one of the reasons I started Levin Life Coach Academy was that I ended up coaching so many coaches who felt very much like what you’re sharing. They hadn’t done, they hadn’t healed the part of themselves that would allow them to actually put themselves out into the world or that would allow them to really be able to fully help others because they were still stuck in something.
And so this is the crux of it. And it has to first begin with self-forgiveness. Because the reason that we are so hard on ourselves, and let me tell you, we’re harder on ourselves than anyone else will ever be on us. We judge ourselves harder. So it has to begin with what do I need to forgive myself for? What can I forgive myself for? How can I actually infuse myself with the love that I send out to others? How can I return that love to me? How can I build myself trust so that I have confidence, so that I have courage? How can I trust my heart? How can I trust what’s true instead of what I believe is true or what I think is true?
Part of the problem is so many of us mix up beliefs and facts. We think a belief is a fact, but it’s not, you know, a belief is just a long held idea about the way the world works and our role within it. We can shift what we believe and we can even shift what we believe about ourselves.
And part of that is being able to work through whatever it might be, work through guilt, work through shame,
Paula: Shame. I think shame, shame is the, is the core.
Nancy: Yes, I know. Yeah. I mean, you know, you’ve heard my whole story. So my ex-husband read my journals. I had an affair, you know, there was all of this I needed to be able to work through in order to become who I am, in order to become the coach I am, or the teacher or the author or the speaker. You know, I needed to get in right alignment with myself so that if someone came up to me and pointed a finger at me, it wouldn’t hurt. You see what I’m saying?
Paula: Yes.
Nancy: The Only reason we take the criticism in, or the only reason that we feel the rejection or the judgment is because we are already doing it to ourselves. You know? So the process for you is really, is really about coming back to yourself, you know, so that you take the focus off of everyone else around you.
If you’re caught up in, what do they think, what do they need, what do they feel, what do they want or who do I have to be for all of them? You know?
I often talk about the way we package ourselves to be digestible to somebody else. How am I turning myself inside out to be okay for someone else? And really the question needs to come back to what do I feel, what do I think, what do I need, what do I want? And start there.
How does all that feel?
Paula: Yes. It’s what I need. Yes. No, it’s, it’s, it’s precisely what I need. It looking or, or going back or not going back, but, because I always, I was outside, not inside right now.
Nancy: That’s right. That’s, that’s right. Exactly. You nailed it. I, that’s how it was for me. I was never inside myself and I didn’t even wanna be anywhere near inside myself. You know?
Paula: How do you work with the shame?
Nancy: The work, the work with the shame is, is really about forgiveness and really about understanding the deeper cut of, you know, why we made choices we made, you know, why we, or why we took actions that we did. What was at the root?
You know, I can look back and the shame I felt around having an affair was really rooted in the shame I had that I couldn’t and didn’t know how to tell the truth that I was unhappy. So the reason I did what I did, you know, I often say I set a bomb that detonated eight years later because it was the only thing I knew. It was the only way I knew how to get out because I didn’t know how to say, I don’t wanna be married anymore.
And really that shame is even, it was more for me to work through, the shame around not being able to have a voice, not knowing how to tell the truth, not knowing how to stand up for myself, you know, and really understanding that all betrayal is self betrayal first and foremost. So where am I betraying myself in daily life? And I don’t know, I don’t mean infidelity, I just mean where am I not being true to myself? Where am I being unfaithful to my truth? And at every moment I have to stop and check because that becomes the way in which I’m not honoring my boundaries. I’m not honoring what’s truly okay or not okay for me.
Paula: Thank you so much.
Nancy: You’re welcome. Look at your beautiful smile.Thank you. I hope this was helpful.
Paula: Yes, it is. Good. So helpful. And I am so I’m ready. I think I’m ready. You’re ready to do as, Michael, like this week doing everything like the, with the his grandson and everything. Yes. We have to do something different to get what we truly want.
Nancy: Exactly. We have to make a different choice. We have to take a different action if we want a different outcome.
Nancy: Yes. All right. Thank you both. Thanks so much for being here.
Paula: Thank you so much. Bye Nancy.
Nancy: Bye bye.
I hope you enjoyed listening to our live coaching episode, and I also hope sometime I will have the opportunity to live coach you on a future episode.
Thanks for being here, and I’ll see you next time.
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