Gabby: Imagine if you got triggered, instead of getting triggered, you went to the refrigerator, you went to the rage, you went to the perfectionism, or you went to the numbing with the TV, but instead you chose to check in and you started to tend to that feeling rather than override that feeling. How different would things be?
Nancy: Welcome to the Nancy Levin Show. I’m Nancy Levin, founder of Levin Life Coach Academy, best-selling author, master coach, and your host. I help overachieving people pleasers set boundaries that stick and own self-worth, anchored in empowered action, so you can feel free. Plus, if you’re an aspiring or current coach, you are in the right place.
Join me each week for coaching and compelling conversations designed to support you in the spotlight as you take center stage of your own life.
Let’s dive in.
Nancy: Welcome back to the Nancy Levin Show. Have I got a treat for you today! I’ve got my dear friend, Gabby Bernstein here with us on the podcast and for more than 18 years, Gabby has been transforming lives, including her own. She is the number one New York Times Best-Selling Author of 10 books now, including her newest, Self Help, which just came out.
Gabby was featured on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday as a “New Thought Leader”. The New York Times has identified Gabby as a “role model for a new generation of spiritual seekers”. She is a regular guest on Good Morning America, Today, and Live with Kelly and Mark among other leading media outlets.
She is the host of the Dear Gabby Podcast and the innovative Gabby Coaching App. From her start, hosting intimate conversations with 20 people in her New York City apartment, Gabby has grown to speaking to tens of thousands in sold-out venues throughout the world. You can find out everything about Gabby, her books, her podcast, her app and all the things at gabbybernstein.com.
I personally am very grateful and honored to be able to call Gabby a friend. Something that I’ll share here is that when I made my transition leaving my position at Hay House after a dozen years, Gabby, you were really one of the handful of people who saw me, I got chills, who saw me through my transition and really held me in the becoming of who I am today. I have a really special, soft, tender place in my heart for you. I’m really grateful to invite you to share yourself with my audience.
Gabby: I feel that so clearly. I remember that time and just believing in you so deeply. You had so many of us who were helping you midwife this dream. Really, the reason you had all of us believing in you is because you believed in you. You are. There you are.
Nancy: Thank you. Here I am. Here we are. We’re here to talk about your latest book, Self Help. The subtitle is, “This is Your Chance to Change Your Life” I’m going to be so bold as to say that I actually think this is your boldest book yet. I think it is your most honest, true, practical, deep, and yet so eloquently and simple in the way that you lay out the process for us. I would love for you to share a bit about what brought you to write this particular book at this particular time.
Gabby: Well, you know, Nancy, I always think I write my books for myself first. But this one is a little different. This one, I actually think of all my books, I really wrote reader first because this was one of those moments where I felt like, “Wow, I am sitting on this, this incredible process that I’ve had the gift of experiencing and it’s a therapy that I’ve experienced in my own therapy and through being trained in this therapy”. I realized not everyone’s going to be able to have access to this. The world needs to know that it’s here, but they’re not going to necessarily have access to the therapy, I’m not a therapist, and I’m not necessarily going to give them this one-on-one experience, but what can I do? I can demystify, I can simplify, and I can take this therapy and make it a self-help practice.
That’s what I’ve done. I’ve taken the therapy, internal family systems therapy, founded by my very dear friend and brother, Dr. Richard Schwartz. I have, with Dick’s blessing, I have translated, demystified, and now democratizing this model that is life-changing, and I’ve turned it into a self-help practice.
That’s what we’re here for. That’s why this is the first book I think I wrote for the reader more than myself because I’ve already gotten the gift, right? I wrote it for myself and I’ve been itching to get it out to the world. I know that the world needs this and that it is a great contribution that I can offer as a translator to give these principles and methods to somebody who may never find their way into a therapy office, let alone an internal family systems therapy office.
Nancy: That’s something I really love about the way that you have written this book is that it does feel like a translation. It feels like something that you have been able to give to us in a way that we can receive it. I love also the way that Dick has given you his blessing. His foreword to the book is gorgeous and the way that he really invites us in to learn from you. One of the things that I can’t help but bring forward here is, and you and I have talked about this, that there is such a beautiful intersection of the way that IFS, internal family systems therapy works and shadow work works. As I’ve been reading this book, I’ve been feeling how essential these teachings are right now where we are in our lives, where the planet is, because all of our parts within us, all of the shadow within us, is being reflected back to us by what’s happening on the global stage as well.
Gabby: Definitely. Our parts are activated.
Nancy: Let’s break it down and share with the listeners a bit about how IFS works, about the way that we work with our parts and what we call these different parts and how the internal family can heal itself.
Gabby: I’m going to teach you actually from a self-help perspective rather than a therapist perspective because it’s just what I’m here to do. Really recognizing that what I’m teaching is based on the principles of a therapy called internal family systems therapy. It’s not about your external family, it’s about an inner family of young parts of you inside.
If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “Well, that pattern, behavior, or belief is really holding me back, or I have a pattern or belief that I really don’t like, or I noticed that whenever I get triggered by my boss I want to fight back, or whenever I feel out of control, I run to the refrigerator or whenever I try to embark on a new project, I feel like I can’t even start because I’m paralyzed. Or there’s a part of me that feels like I just won’t ever attract the love that I want in my life”.
If you’ve ever had beliefs that are limiting, patterns that are extreme. or behaviors that are sort of out of alignment with who you want to be, then you might be familiar with this concept of having these parts of yourself that activate and get activated, and maybe you’ve never even thought of them as parts of yourself, maybe you thought of them as just who you are. I’m going to help you witness that these are actually parts of you, they’re aspects of you, and these parts of you are managing your life on a day-to-day basis. You get a little triggered, then you act out in this way, you try to stay in control to feel safe, or you people please because you don’t feel good enough.
Whatever these stories are that are running your life, these patterns, behaviors, and extreme, patterns at times, are actually protection mechanisms. For the sake of this book and in IFS, they’re called protector parts. Why are these protector parts there and who are they protecting? They’re protecting really young parts of ourselves. If you were to ask yourself, “How long have I been people pleasing? How long have I been binging? How long have I been controlling? How long have I been overdoing it? Or numbing out?”. Likely you’d ask these parts of yourself, “How long have you been around?” and they’d say “Forever, since I was a child, for as long as I can remember” and why they’ve been there because they’re protecting a very deep experience, a childhood experience of feeling traumatized, unlovable, inadequate, shamed, a part of you that may not have felt like you had the caregiver that you needed.
It could have been a big t trauma, a small t trauma, something like being bullied at school, or maybe even something like sexual abuse. We have these experiences as small people, and our brains don’t have the capacity to process these big emotions. As a result, what happens is that we begin very young and very unconsciously to lean into these coping mechanisms, which are known as protector parts.
Right away we start people pleasing to feel seen or we start being a perfectionist because we’re afraid of being out of control. Or we start numbing out with TV as a child. I once heard an addict say that they could remember their addiction as long as they could remember even being a child just binging on orange juice as a way of getting a high above the feelings.
If you think back, these protection mechanisms or coping mechanisms as you might define them, have really been around for as long as we can remember. They’re around because they’re protecting against these exiled childhood experiences. For the sake of this book, we’re not working with those exiled parts. Those are the parts that we would work within a therapist or with a one-on-one with Nancy or something where it’s really safe to do that trauma work. But in a situation with this book, we have this opportunity to work with these protection mechanisms. and the parts of us that are managing our lives, the parts of us that are on red alert all day long.
To start to have this space where we can begin to check in with these parts instead of check out. Imagine if you got triggered you went to the refrigerator, you went to the rage, you went to the perfectionism, you went to the numbing with the TV, but instead you chose to check in and you offered that feeling, sensation, or belief some curiosity. Then with a little bit more curiosity, you start to feel connected. Then you ask that part about “What do you need?” and you started to tend to that feeling rather than override that feeling. How different would things be? That’s the process inside this book, Nance. It’s a four-step process of checking in instead of checking out.
What happens is as you start to check in with these young parts of yourself, these belief systems, they start to feel more calm and they start to feel connected to you they start to feel this sense of creativity or a sense of compassion towards them. As you start to notice those C qualities of calmness, compassion, courage, connection, creativity and clarity, that’s when your true self starts to emerge.
That self is your undamaged, resourced God within you, Buddha nature. inspiration, spirit, the childlike energy inside of you. That’s the truth of who you are. Instead of overriding your big feelings and emotions, if you check in with them, you can soften them and then self can emerge and you can start to return to your natural state.
Nancy: Hi, it’s Nancy interrupting my own show. I’ve got a lot of exciting things coming up in 2024, including a brand-new book. Plus, a group coaching opportunity, unlike anything else I have ever offered before. To make sure you are in the know, pop on over to my website now and sign up for my free weekly newsletter at nancylevin.com/newsletter so you don’t miss a thing. Okay, back to the show.
Nancy: I love this so much. I love the way that you masterfully guide us through this seemingly simple process. I love what you’re saying about “check in instead of check out”. We identify these parts, the invitation is to befriend and integrate versus annihilate.
Gabby: That’s exactly right. We often will walk around judging ourselves for these patterns and behaviors. Just before I got on the call with you, I was talking to my VP of Marketing and I was like “What do you mean people won’t do the thing that I want them to do?” You know? In that part and even right now I can check in with that and I can say “Okay, that part has a lot of tension in her jaw and that part is pissed off because she’s wondering why everyone’s to take too long to do these things, what does she need?”. That part needs some clarity, that part needs some attention, right? I’m going to give it some attention right now, I’m going to breathe into it, and I’m going to take some time to connect to it. Then as I say that, even as I say those words of checking in with it, curiosity, and asking it what it needs with connection and compassion, I noticed just even going through those steps for myself out loud right here, right now, I have clarity.
I have more clarity “Maybe I can think this through a little bit more”. I have compassion for the part “Okay, I see you really, you really want to get shit done, Gabby”. I have a little bit of calmness, which is sort of saying “Well, maybe we can let people off the hook”. I have a connection to that part of me right now. As I start to say all that, Nance, my jaw starts to relax and I feel a little bit safer inside. When we complete this, I might call up my VP of Marketing and say, “Let’s have some more clarity here, I noticed that this part of me was really activated, and I actually think that maybe we can get some more clarity and connect on this”.
That is a very different way of living, right? Then staying blended with those parts of ourselves. If I had stayed blended with that part, I’d be in this juggernaut force of “why isn’t it happening my way” and not really giving it the clarity and the connection it needed. Right? So this is a simple example I want to do it with your listeners because I know your listeners are there. They’re self-help junkies here, right?
Nancy: Of course they are!
Gabby: Your audience is my exact dream reader, my dream reader is listening right now. I want you to practice dream reader because you guys already know what we’re talking about. You’re already so far along. I want you to think about something in your life, an area of your life, a pattern, a belief system, or maybe even an extreme behavior that you feel like is kind of running the show.
Maybe I would name one as a controller. They might be parts of you that are pleasing or parts of you that are overworking, overthinking, over-worrying, or numbing out. Notice something that’s pretty present in your life right now. Once you have an awareness of that part of you, we’ll be able to move to the next step.
Now, if you don’t even have an awareness of that part of you, you can just check in with your feelings and sensations right now. Do you feel anxious? Do you feel overwhelmed? Do you feel like your body, your back aches? Just notice something that’s an undesirable feeling, we can check in with it.
So once you have that part, whether it’s a feeling, belief, or a pattern, let’s choose to check in, that’s step one. Choosing to check in is a choice to not check out and avoid it and override it, but instead a choice to turn your attention inward. That’s the simplicity of step one.
Focusing your attention inward, let’s get some access to this part of you by becoming curious, which is the second step. Ask some questions to this part of you. Maybe “How long have you been around? Where is it in your body? Where do you notice it? What are the feelings or sensations that are attached to it? Are there any images or stories? or experiences that are imprinted that represent this part of you”. Just stay curious and asking it “What else is there that you want me to know?”. Give it some space to reveal where it is in your body, in your mind, maybe it has words, maybe it shows you images.
As soon as you have a little bit of connection to that part, the next step is to compassionately connect. Offering more attention to the part, you could ask it right now, “What do you need?”. Don’t question what it says, just trust whatever comes through. Now place your hand on your heart, and you can place your other hand on your belly, and give this part some breath. just let it know that you’re here. Give it a little bit more breath. Now in this new state, we’ll check for some shifts inside. So check to see, do you feel a little bit more calm? Do you have a little bit more clarity about this part of you? Do you feel connected to it? Do you feel compassion towards it? Do you have some confidence coming through to feel a little bit more creative, courageous, and just checking in to see how you feel right now allows you to witness self-emerging.
My guess is that if someone went through those steps with me just now, that maybe they have a little bit more clarity about that part, possibly they have a little bit of calmness that set in just through the breath and the connection, or they feel more connected to that part of themselves. They don’t feel like they’re pushing past it or dissociating from it, but they feel more connected to it.
Maybe they feel a little creative energy, like a little buzzing in their body or a little bit of a freedom coming through. That’s self-energy. The simplicity of these steps is that instead of checking out and overriding your big feelings and emotions and beliefs and patterns, instead you would check in with them and by simply slowly checking in with them, but even quickly for a few moments. They have this opportunity to feel connection, and it feels like there’s an internal parent connecting to them and asking what they need and offering compassion. They feel seen, and in that seen place, they can relax a little, and new qualities can emerge naturally. That’s the process.
Rinse and repeat. Did you feel changed? Did you do it? Imagine you did it with me.
Nancy: Yeah. I absolutely did. It’s something I have always loved about you is that we can be together for a very short time, it can go deep, and it can hit the heart of the root of what needs to be addressed. We’re off to the place where we can heal ourselves, and that is self help.
Gabby: That’s it, you know, you and I only do big talk. So we’re only going to do, right? For the first time in three years. What are your deepest feelings right now? Let’s go deep. Let’s go.
Nancy: Yeah, I love it. All the parts are here and all the parts are welcome. I’m really excited for people to get this book in their hands. Again, everyone listening, Gabby’s newest book Self Help is out right now. I urge you to grab it, do this practice that she’s laid out for us, and see your life change immediately.
Gabby: What’s so cool about being on this podcast is that I know your audience will do this. I know that I’m talking to my dream reader right now, the reader that is so committed to their personal growth, spiritual development, an inner sense of safety, and witnessing the shadow. It’s some already so confident, that’s another self quality, so confident that this simple four-step practice will give so much relief to this listener. Because I know they’re going to do it. Yes. Right?
Nancy: Yes. My audience takes action.
Gabby: I could be talking to an audience of millions of people, but they may not be as nearly as likely to take the action than this audience. I just want to extend my gratitude for this listener. For my pride in you specifically, because I know we attract who we are, right? So your listener is a reflection of you, your commitment to your personal development, and to your inner healing. This audience is going to pick it up.
Nancy: Well, my dear, you, you are and forever will be for me and for so many of us, the untethered force of light. I witnessed you step into, over a decade ago when we spent that particular weekend together where that landed in you. I’m so grateful for you, for your friendship, for your teachings, and for who you are in the world.
Gabby: Right back at you, right back at you. I love you so much. Thanks Nance.
Nancy: I love you too. Again everybody Self Help is the book, gabbybernstein.com is the place to go.
Nancy: Thanks so much for joining me today. I invite you to head on over to nancylevin.com to check out all the goodies I have there for you. If you’ve enjoyed this episode, please subscribe, leave a rating, and a review. I’ll meet you back here next week.