Nancy: If it doesn’t break you, an extreme meditation retreat can create dramatic shifts in your life. I embarked on my very own version of the X Games as I willingly walked into Wat Chom Thong, a monastery 60 kilometers southwest of Chiang Mai, Thailand, for a 10-day silent retreat. Yep. This was meditation extreme.
It was the most mentally, emotionally, and physically demanding thing I’d ever done, and it has single-handedly changed my life.
Nancy: Welcome to the Nancy Levin show. I’m Nancy Levin, founder of Levin Life Coach Academy, bestselling author, master coach, and your host. I help overachieving people pleasers set boundaries that stick and own their self-worth, anchored in empowered action so you can feel free. Plus, if you’re an aspiring or current coach, you are in the right place. Join me each week for coaching and compelling conversations designed to support you in the spotlight as you take center stage of your own life.
Let’s dive in.
Nancy: Welcome back to the Nancy Levin show. I’m so happy you’re here. I am today sharing with you the conclusion of part two of my meditation in Thailand. Part one of my retreat experience from 2015, nine years ago, was shared in episode 178. So, if you have not yet listened to that episode, I highly encourage you to go back and listen to that and then join me here.
All right, we’re off. Meditation Extreme. Meditation Retreat in Thailand, Part Two. The X Games of Meditation. If it doesn’t break you, An extreme meditation retreat can create dramatic shifts in your life.
I live part-time in Snowmass, Colorado, just up the hill from where the Winter X Games are held. Last November, I embarked on my very own version of the X Games as I willingly walked into Wachamtung, a monastery 60 kilometers southwest of Chiang Mai, Thailand, for a 10-day Vipassana meditation silent retreat.
Yep, this was meditation extreme, complete with endless commentary over the loudspeakers, albeit Buddhist chanting, caffeine for stamina. plus Advil and plenty of water to relax and hydrate sore muscles. Without any formal meditation practice under my belt, I dove into the deep end of the pool, not knowing how to swim or even if I would stay afloat.
I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into. In fact, I can assure you that if I had, there’s no way I would have ever signed up for this. It was the most mentally, emotionally, and physically demanding thing I’d ever done. And it has single-handedly changed my life.
Since late November, I’ve been meditating consistently.
Yes, I’ve missed a day here and there. But they’ve come with a conscious choice instead of blaming circumstances. On several occasions, when a morning didn’t quite work logistically, I resumed my practice in the afternoon. One definite benefit of doing a 10-day meditation retreat, during which I was literally sitting morning, noon, and night, is that there can be no excuse related to time.
I’ve actually meditated at every time of day and night, so I can’t convince myself that I’ve missed my window if I don’t do it first thing upon waking. Yet my preference is to spend the first hour I am up in self-nourishing solitude and silence on my cushion. I never dread it or question it. It has become a part of me, woven into the fabric of my being.
Now, let me tell you, this is all very surprising to me. I’ve been around meditation and mindfulness for 25-plus years. I received my master’s degree from Naropa University, which is Buddhist-inspired. I worked at Hay House, the international leader in personal growth and self-empowerment publishing, and most of the people closest to me have a solid meditation practice.
While I was curious, I never bit, though I did often wonder what I was missing. Not in the FOMO, fear of missing out way, but rather, what foundational piece of self-awareness was I missing that could be the key to my freedom and peace?
Upon arrival at Wachamtung, I met Monica, my meditation instructor, and she taught me the technique. In Vipassana meditation, there’s a mindful prostration, then the walking meditation, and then the sitting meditation, each with its own specific elements. Since I was a complete newbie, starting from scratch without any meditation practice, she had me begin with 10-minute blocks: first, the mindful prostration, which always remains the same, and then 10 minutes of walking and 10 minutes of sitting.
That’s one round, so to speak. Over time, it was 15, 15, 20, 20, and so on. By day six, I was doing rounds of an hour walking and an hour sitting, followed by a short break and then another round. Each day, I had a short session with Monica. This was my allotted time for speaking so we could engage in discussion about what was going on for me.
Day in and day out, the wake-up bell rang at 4 a.m. Meals were at 6 a.m. and 11 a.m. We weren’t to take in solid food from noon until 6 a.m. the next morning. And lights out at 10 p.m.
I should tell you now that on day five and day nine, I wanted to bolt. I wanted the hell out. What am I doing here? This is crazy. What was I thinking? Why on earth am I putting myself through this? What am I trying to prove, and to whom?
But here’s what I know about myself: I’m self-disciplined, ambitious, and have a super-strong endurance. Turns out all these come in handy during a 10-day meditation immersion because there’s basically nothing else to do but meditate all day long, no talking, reading, writing, or listening, and very little sleeping or eating.
I honestly loved the silence and the solitude. The minimal eating didn’t even bother me. My phone being on airplane mode for 10 days, so I could use the timer, but no Wi-Fi. turned out to be sheer bliss. Sleep deprivation, however, is another story. But I knew that once I made up my mind to be there, no matter what it took to get through it. I was going to do it. I knew that even those days that I wanted to bolt, I never would.
Nancy: Hi, it’s Nancy interrupting my own show. I’ve got a lot of exciting things coming up in 2024, including a brand-new book and a group coaching opportunity unlike anything else I have ever offered. To make sure you are in the know, pop on over to my website now and sign up for my free weekly newsletter at nancylevin.com/newsletter – so you don’t miss a thing.
Okay. Back to the show.
Just when I thought my inner overachiever was dead and gone, it seems that no matter how much healing work I’ve done on her, she’s actually still alive and well. So you can imagine the high I was on when Monica said to me on day six, “We’ve never seen anyone progress at this pace.” “We never anticipated that you would be able to excel at this rate or handle this much.”
Most people who come here with no practice have either left by now or they only make it to maybe 30-30, but not an hour and an hour. By now, I’m determined, and it’s no coincidence that I used this word because then I’m put into what is called determination for the last 72 hours of my retreat. This is something usually reserved only for people who’ve done a 10-day before.
It’s not something that people usually do when they do their first retreat. But because of my overachieving, I sort of earned this determination. The catch-22 is that had I not achieved so well, had I not performed so well, I wouldn’t have put myself into the lion’s den of what became really the epic marathon of meditation.
72 hours without changing clothes or bathing, meals eaten on own in room, continuous meditation with very short breaks and no sleeping. That’s right. No sleeping. The first 24 hours of determination. I stayed awake all night and logged 18 hours of meditation. I went to my reporting with Monica, all proud.
And then, she gave me my exercise for the next 24 hours, which was actually a touch less demanding than the first, with a form I needed to fill out about halfway through that day. I was on the floor in a pool of tears, anger and frustration. I was so caught up in achieving, performing, perfection, restriction, endurance that I was trying to prove myself in some way.
I spent much of the afternoon and evening in a state of war with myself that I finally said, fuck this. And I went to sleep.
When I reported to Monica the next morning, I had to turn in a half-filled-out form. Can you imagine? I was mortified. This was a big first in my life. Of course, this was of no concern to her since it had nothing to do with her.
All that mattered was what I was making it mean about me. I decided to give myself permission to embark on the final 24 hours of determination and the retreat with ease instead of rigidity. The great gift of this experience is that since I left the monastery, I’ve maintained my non-negotiable commitment to me.
I can see and feel the impact of devoting that portion of my day to just being with myself, being with my breath, being in the moment, allowing whatever thoughts come and go and naming them, and yet always being able to return to here, where there is no problem to solve.
And then, I began to add to it.
First, no more screens in bed. This was huge. I was on a full-on nighttime binge-watching Netflix, Facebook, Instagram, Hulu, and Amazon Prime, and my sleep was suffering. Yes, I’d get into bed by 9 p.m., but this could turn into all hours of the night real quick. I’m not a night person, but binge-watching was absolutely my reward of choice. Not food, not alcohol, but this was how I chose to easily disengage from my own life to engage with my small screen friends.
As an introvert, I often think of this as my way of being social.
Next, I added a journaling component to my morning. Not long after that, I began voluntarily putting my iPhone into airplane mode from the moment I got into bed until after my practice time the next day. It was a major game changer to wake up without being bombarded by incoming data and not trolling around for it, either!
My definition of bliss because here’s the thing: I’m a planner, organizer, and problem solver, and I used to live my calendar as if it were a map. Meditation fueled by airplane mode gives me a window into how much energy I expend on being ahead of myself, future-tripping. I have a history of not inhabiting my life.
Now, all I need to do is simply have a conversation with myself. What am I doing right now? I’m walking. What am I doing right now? I’m sitting. So I can get clear that, in this moment, there is nothing else. In this moment, there’s no problem to solve. I choose to be in my life now. To experience and feel the fullness and the richness without the doing.
No longer being blindly loyal to endurance and stamina. To witness my mind in a way that has me able to stay present. Ever expanding my capacity to be with what is and returning to right here, to this breath. Some days, it’s all in service of that one breath. Simply rising and falling, unconstricted, unrestrained, unencumbered, released.
Thanks again for joining me, and I look forward to being with you again next week.
Nancy: Thanks so much for joining me today. I invite you to head on over to nancylevin.com to check out all the goodies I have there for you. And if you’ve enjoyed this episode, please subscribe, leave a rating and a review. I’ll meet you back here next week.