I skied on Saturday…again, and for the first time.
You see, skiing and I have not always been friends. I’m not one of those people who grew up skiing, but when I moved to Colorado at 27 it certainly seemed the thing do. After all, out here people mainline The Weather Channel and everyone’s favorite phrase is “winter storm warning.”
Actually, I tried snowboarding first since my then husband said it was easier. Well, that was definitely not my experience. I thought I’d be gliding gloriously down the mountain with the wind in my hair at every turn, like I was staring in my very own Warren Miller movie. Um, no. Instead, I spent several days on my ass, cold and damp.
And then I decided to try skiing instead.
While it was liberating to have my legs able to operate independently, I just didn’t get the rush I anticipated and saw around me. Instead, I spent most days frustrated, humiliated and wishing I felt what everyone else was feeling.
Most of my skiing experience can be described as going out on the mountain against my desire. I spent nearly 20 years being dragged up to double black diamond bump runs I had no business being on, and then being shamed the whole way down. Ultimately though, I did discover that I can indeed get myself down anything – it just won’t be fast or pretty. This is quite a valuable life lesson.
I now know that my ex-husband’s constant commitment to play over work and my self-imposed governor on my own fun were a lethal combo. Over time, this was all fueled even more as his entitled, controlling and critical nature was met by my people-pleasing, deep need to be needed, and no voice resulting in giving him everything he wanted while abandoning myself in the process. We even moved to an extraordinary mountain town, but I never quite let myself let go and fully inhabit my life.
All the while I kept thinking, “This should be fun. I should be having fun.” Sure there were some moments of flow here and there, but I honestly don’t know that I had any real sense of what was fun for me, having spent my entire marriage facilitating fun for him.
After we separated, I felt relieved at the thought of never having a ski pass again.
But, living in Colorado, this isn’t likely.
The next two winters I skied a few times – and away from the pressure, began to find some joy. But not seeking it out for the next three years showed me that it clearly wasn’t a priority.
And then, as fate would have it, I fell in love with another mountain man. A caring, patient, exciting, thoughtful, playful guy who wants to ski with me purely because he wants to experience everything with me! And he actually thinks I’m fun!
I find that many people, upon getting divorced, mourn the loss of the future that’s no longer coming. I, however, mourn the past and my life unlived.
And so now I find myself on the brink of winter, with a ski pass in hand – again, and for the first time. But now I am open and willing to fully experience the excitement and possibility of rewriting an old script, and allowing that governor to blow out so that joy can flow freely and plentifully.
I’ll be taking my own inch-by-inch steps once again as I re-discover what it means to go down this mountain on my own terms. To Jump! onto the slopes of the adventure ahead with an open heart and mind, fully leaning into all that’s available to me now, knowing I am on my path, no one else’s.
I’ve already downloaded the snow report app and this is my winter to be one of those people who actively pray for powder days!
Are you being dragged up someone else’s double black diamond bump run? Want to change all that? I have a complimentary call this Saturday, December 6th at 10 AM MT that will allow you to experience my Jump! Coaching process first hand. This exclusive, intimate and transformational group coaching opportunity gives my clients the tools and support they need to Jump! into the lives they imagine and create for themselves. Even if you simply need to learn what fun is for you, this coaching experience can change your approach to work and play, in a way that uncovers the truth of who you really are.
Please let me support you in getting out of your own way to live the life you truly desire. Join us Saturday, simply click here to register for the free call.