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Setting Effective Boundaries in Your Relationship

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Most cultures around the world have historically revered martyrdom. We’re taught that self-sacrifice is a virtue; that the more we take care of others, the better.  From the time we’re little kids we get the message—in school and often at home—that we aren’t worthy of love unless we’re “good.” And what does “goodness” mean?  It […]

being held and belonging

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being held and belonging it all changed the mood the pulse the pace the swelling the room itself was swollen grounded in trust as if my body was a napkin being pulled through a ring from the pelvis deep into the earth or like a candle melting down from the inside dripping and pooling at […]

What is Your Relationship Myth?

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We’ve been fueled by fairytales of being rescued from drudgery like Cinderella or awakened from a long sleep by the magic of a kiss like Sleeping Beauty. We women have envisioned ourselves as damsels to be rescued, while men pictured themselves as heroes riding up on white horses. Classic literature, modern music, and movies have […]

Ditching the Either/Or Mentality in Your Relationships

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Most of us relate to selfishness and selflessness as mutually exclusive. But they aren’t. We live in a double bind, thinking “if I please myself, I disappoint you. If you please yourself, you disappoint me.” We believe that life is a zero sum game—that if I have something, someone else goes without. Or if someone […]

The Perfect Wife

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  My Superwoman complex started when I was two years old. That year, my six-year-old brother died. Severely mentally disabled from birth, he had lived his life utterly incapacitated—broken—until he caught pneumonia, and his immune system could no longer fight. I’m told that even as a small child, I took great pride in my independence. […]

“Staying Home” Within Yourself

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Many of us lose ourselves the minute we intuit that someone we love is having a need or desire of their own. We might start out anchored, but someone else’s waves can easily throw us off course. My client Maria, for example, has struggled to stay anchored in her own feelings. She says she used […]

Redefining Intimacy

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  When you use the word “intimacy,” how do you define it? Does your mind immediately jump to sex? A lot of people define intimacy that way—as closeness that’s purely physical. But sex can actually be one of the least intimate things we do. We can easily hide our true selves in favor of a […]