Episode 255 Transcript: People-Pleasers: This Question Will Unlock Your Transformation
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Nancy Levin
Welcome back to the Nancy Levin Show. So there comes a moment when the question is no longer, “Can I change?” The question becomes, “What is it costing me not to?” And that’s a really different question, because for a long time, most of us stay focused on the cost of change. What will happen if I leave? What will happen if I speak up? What will happen if I stop pretending? What will happen if I disappoint someone? What will happen if I choose differently? What will happen if I want more? We constantly think about the cost of change. We think about the discomfort, the uncertainty, the grief, the loss, the risk. The possibility that someone won’t understand.
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The possibility that life won’t look the way it used to. And because we’re so focused on the cost of change, we often overlook something even more important: The cost of staying the same, the cost of continuing to betray yourself, the cost of continuing to silence yourself, the cost of continuing to tolerate what’s no longer tolerable. the cost of continuing to live a life that looks functional on the outside, but feels empty and draining and misaligned on the inside. And that cost is real. And sometimes it is subtle enough that you begin to normalize it. You normalize the resentment, the exhaustion, the loneliness inside of your relationships, the inner negotiation. You normalize the low grade ache that follows you through your days, and because it has been there for so long, you stop recognizing it as a cost.
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You start just calling it life. But it is a cost. The cost of staying the same is your life force. It’s your energy. It’s your aliveness, your creativity, your truth, your capacity for joy, your connection to yourself. And there comes a point when the pain of staying where you are becomes greater than the fear of moving. This matters, because this is the threshold. This is the moment where change stops being optional in the way it once was. Maybe you can still technically stay, maybe you can still keep that job or the relationship or the role or the performance going, but inside something has already shifted, and you know it. And once you know, there is no going back to not knowing.
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You can delay, you can distract, you can bargain, you can try to make it work for just a little bit longer. But once truth has made itself known, it does not disappear. It waits. And the longer you wait, the more expensive staying becomes. This is what I wanna talk to you about. Not change as an abstract idea, but the actual cost of postponing the life that wants to emerge. Because one of the ways self-abandonment keeps going is through delay. Not always dramatic, self-abandonment is often actually quite quiet self-abandonment. I’ll do it later. I’ll deal with it after this season. I’ll tell the truth when things calm down. I’ll choose myself once everyone else is okay.
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I’ll leave when I’m more certain. I’ll start when I’m less afraid. I’ll ask for what I want when I feel more confident. And what happens is that later becomes another year, and then another year, and then another year. And meanwhile, your life is still in motion. And this is why honesty matters so much, because change rarely begins with action. It has to first begin with honesty. Honesty about what is no longer working. Honesty about what you know. Honesty about what you’re grieving. Honesty about what you want. Honesty about what it’s costing you to remain where you are.
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And that last part is the part we often avoid, because if you really let yourself see the cost of staying the same, it becomes harder to justify the delay. If you let yourself really feel the cost, then you’re going to have to respond. And response creates action and momentum. So let’s look at some of the ways staying the same costs you. It costs your vitality. You wake up tired, you move through your days feeling heavy. You do what needs to be done, but there’s no real energy behind it. You’re functioning, but you’re not lit up. Sometimes it might cost you intimacy, because when you’re not telling the truth, you can’t be fully known. When you’re performing, people are relating to the performance, not to you.
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And even if you are loved, it can still feel lonely because some part of you knows that you’re not actually there. Sometimes it costs you self-trust, because every time you know something and then override what you know, trust erodes a little bit more. Every time you say, “This doesn’t work for me.” and then you stay. Every time you say, “I need more,” and then you settle. Every time you say, “I’m done,” and then you continue. Something within you takes note. And over time, your inner relationship with you weakens. You begin to doubt yourself. Not because you’re untrustworthy, but because you keep receiving your own wisdom and dismissing it. Sometimes the cost is joy. Real joy. Not pleasure as a distraction, not relief as an escape, but joy.
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Joy that comes from being in alignment. Joy that comes from living in integrity. Joy that comes from no longer splitting yourself in two. The cost of staying the same is often the loss of your own aliveness. And that is no small cost. It’s easy to think that staying is safer. And sometimes from the perspective of your nervous system, it is. What is familiar can feel safer than what’s unknown. Even if the familiar is painful, even if the familiar is depleting, even if the familiar is shrinking you. And this is why change requires so much compassion, because it’s not simply a decision, it’s a disentangling. A disentangling from old identities, old attachments, old coping] mechanisms and survival strategies.
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Old agreements you made with yourself about what was required in order to be loved, safe, accepted, and enough. When something has become intertwined with your identity, your security, your belonging, your history, it makes sense that change feels big. It makes sense that grief comes along with it. And that fear comes along with it. And that ambivalence comes along with it. But none of that will change the truth. And the truth is, staying where you are has a cost. And sometimes a greater one than making a change. So one of the most powerful questions you can ask yourself is this. “What is it costing me to remain unavailable to my own life?”
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What is it costing me to stay silent? What is it costing me to stay small? What is it costing me to maintain this version of myself? What is it costing me to keep performing a life that no longer feels true? These questions are powerful because they interrupt avoidance. They invite you back to reality. Not to shame yourself, not to pressure yourself, but to tell the truth. Because once you tell the truth, you’re no longer asleep inside your own life. And there is something else here I wanna name, because sometimes people think that choosing change means choosing chaos. That if they let themselves want what they want, everything will fall apart. But often what actually falls apart is a false structure. The structure built on self-abandonment.
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The structure built on silence. The structure built on resentment. The structure built on pretending. And yes, there may be disruption in this of course, but disruption is not the same as destruction. Sometimes disruption is liberating. Sometimes disruption is what happens when truth finally enters the room and truth changes the architecture. So I wanna just take a moment to pause here, because if you’re listening and recognizing yourself in this, in the delay, in the inner knowing, in the exhaustion of staying the same, in the longing for something more true, I invite you to join me for my five day free challenge called Reignite Your Spark.
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Again, it’s a five day free experience designed to help you reconnect with yourself, with your truth, your desires, your voice with the part of you that knows there’s another way. This is about coming home to you. You can join me right now at nancylevin.com/spark and I’ll meet you in your inbox. This is five days, five emails, five short videos, five prompts to help return you to you.
Okay, let’s keep going because I want to talk about grief here for just a moment. One of the reasons people stay the same is not just a fear of what’s next, but it’s grief over what was supposed to be. Grief over the marriage you thought would work. Grief over the career you thought would fulfill you. Grief over the version of yourself you thought you would become by now. Grief over the effort you have already invested.
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Grief over the dream that needs to change shape. And grief can make staying feel like loyalty. If I just hold on a little bit longer, maybe I can rescue the original dream. Maybe I can make all the years mean something different. Maybe I can avoid having to admit that this is not what I thought it would be. Letting go is not failure. Letting go is not waste. Letting go is often the moment you stop trying to force life to match an old script, and that can be heartbreaking. It can also be freeing. This is why compassion matters so much in the process of change. Not because compassion makes truth softer, but because compassion allows truth to be integrated. You do not have to shame yourself into change. You don’t have to bully yourself into transformation.
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You don’t have to make yourself wrong for staying as long as you have stayed. You can simply tell the truth today. That’s all you need to begin. I think a lot about the difference between readiness and willingness, because we often wanna wait until we’re ready. Ready is often a fantasy version of certainty. What changes your life is not readiness. It’s willingness. Willingness to tell the truth, willingness to grieve, willingness for other people to be disappointed. Willingness to not know every step, willingness to stop bargaining with your own knowing. Willingness is what will change your life, because a willingness creates movement. Movement creates momentum.
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Momentum creates action upon action, and that instills you with even more clarity. You don’t have to see the whole path ahead of you right now, all at once. You only have to stop pretending that where you are is still right for you when it isn’t. That’s all you need to begin. And maybe the change you need is external. Maybe it’s a relationship, a job, a business, a living situation, a financial agreement. Or maybe the change is internal. Maybe the change is finally telling yourself the truth. Maybe the change is no longer making your needs optional. Maybe the change is allowing yourself to want more. Maybe the change is ending the pattern of living for the approval of others. Whatever it is, it all begins in the same place: Telling yourself the truth, making a choice, and taking action.
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Not all at once, not perfectly. But staying the same does not actually keep you safe. That’s only part of the illusion. You think if you do not change, you can avoid loss. But when you stay in what is no longer true, you’re still losing something. You’re losing yourself. So we have to look at what loss are you willing to face. The loss that comes with change or the loss that comes with remaining disconnected from your own life? Because that’s the real question that only you can answer. But if you’re asking it, if it’s alive in you, then something’s already shifting. So maybe this is the moment to stop asking, “Can I afford to change?” and start asking, “Can I afford not to?”
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Maybe this is the moment to stop measuring the risk of change without also measuring the risk of staying. Maybe this is the moment to stop waiting for certainty and begin listening for truth, because the life that is meant for you will not be built through continued self-abandonment. It will be built through self-honoring, through honesty, through willingness, through courage, through grieving what no longer fits and making room for what does. This is how your next chapter begins. Not with a dramatic leap, but with a truthful turning. As we close here, I wanna leave you with this. The cost of staying the same is not always visible all at once. Sometimes it will reveal itself slowly. In your body, in your fatigue, in your disconnection, in your resentment,in your longing.
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But just because the cost has been gradual does not mean it’s not real. So tell yourself the truth. What is it costing you to remain where you are? What is it costing you to keep saying yes when you mean no? What is it costing you to keep choosing the familiar over the true? And then ask yourself. “What will become possible if I stop paying that price?”
I’m so glad you decided to join me here, and I’m so looking forward to being with you again next week. And in the meantime, thank you for showing up for yourself and being willing to ask the deeper questions.