Episode 229 Transcript: Resentment: The Hidden Truth People Pleasers Need to Hear

00:00:03:03 – 00:00:25:07

Nancy Levin

Welcome back to The Nancy Levin Show. I’m really glad that you’re here today, as we are diving into a topic that many of us carry quietly resentment, that slow burn, the heaviness, the inner tension that whispers in the background of our relationships, our work, and even our day to day life. Now, many of us don’t like to admit that we feel it.

00:00:25:07 – 00:00:52:19

Nancy Levin

And in fact, we tell ourselves that resentment is about what someone else did or didn’t do. But here’s what I’ve learned through my own experiences and from coaching thousands. Resentment doesn’t begin with others. It begins with you. So this episode is not about blame. It’s about freedom. It’s about peeling away the layers of something painful so that underneath we can reconnect with ourselves again.

00:00:52:20 – 00:01:24:25

Nancy Levin

We often externalize resentment. We say if they had just done this, I wouldn’t feel this way. But that’s misdirection. So today I want us to go inward and ask, where did this begin? With me. There is the illusion of external causes for resentment. We believe resentment grows from another’s mistake or betrayal or neglect. But what if resentment is your soul’s way of saying you stopped being honest with yourself?

00:01:24:27 – 00:01:58:08

Nancy Levin

Every time you said yes, when your body, your heart knew it was a no. Every time you swallowed your truth to keep the peace or to be nice every time you over gave or overperformed or overworked in a hope, someone would finally see your worth. These choices, common and subconscious, are where resentment often begins. So the emotional texture here that we’re working with is actually grief, not anger.

00:01:58:10 – 00:02:35:27

Nancy Levin

That tightening in your chest, that heaviness. It’s grief. It’s grief for how you abandoned your own boundaries. Grief for the unmet inner needs you neglected. Anger is what looks outward, but resentment lives in between, where anger meets sorrow. So I want to invite you to just take a pause here and ask, where have I stopped honoring myself? Where have I overridden my own voice, ignored my own desires, or silenced my own tears?

00:02:36:00 – 00:03:04:22

Nancy Levin

You don’t need to have all the answers right away. Just begin letting this marinate. So let’s talk about boundaries here for a minute, because boundaries make the difference. Boundaries are the limits that you set around what you will or will not do, accept or tolerate. Boundaries are the agreements you make with yourself. What’s okay and not okay. But here’s the deal.

00:03:04:24 – 00:03:38:28

Nancy Levin

It’s not just about setting the boundaries. It’s about holding the boundaries. So if you think to yourself, well, I’ve set boundaries, but I’m still resentful. It’s because you are not holding them. And resentment rising is a telltale sign a boundary needs to be held. So again, no one can cross your boundary. If your boundary is being crossed, you are the one crossing it, not someone else.

00:03:39:05 – 00:04:07:23

Nancy Levin

So resentment comes from all the times we’ve crossed our own boundaries, saying it’s fine when it’s not, letting guilt override what our heart knows. Sacrificing rest, peace, or health for the sake of comfort and approval. And so the healing shift here is that we need to begin practicing self honoring more than ever. Self honoring means you stand in your own truth.

00:04:07:25 – 00:04:40:10

Nancy Levin

Even when your body shakes. It means saying no, even if someone else might respond with disappointment. It means choosing what’s right for you, not what is comfortable for others. So I’m thinking of a client of mine named Maria. She had poured everything into her work, her relationships, always trying to be the good partner of a good friend. And over time, she felt depleted and resentful toward people who took her for granted.

00:04:40:13 – 00:05:19:00

Nancy Levin

When we were working together, Maria discovered that she had never told key people no, not when she needed rest, not when the requests felt heavy. When she finally began practicing small real boundary acts, declining extra commitments, stepping away for quiet time, she saw her resentment begin to dissipate, and she discovered that she didn’t actually need to abandon herself to protect her relationships, and she didn’t need to abandon her relationships to protect herself.

00:05:19:01 – 00:05:48:19

Nancy Levin

She simply needed to stand in her own truth. So again, take a moment to consider where in your life are you abandoning your own boundaries and what small steps could begin to guide the way even today? Here comes the part that might surprise you. Resentment is not your enemy. It’s your teacher. Resentment is saying something inside me needs attention.

00:05:48:21 – 00:06:17:16

Nancy Levin

Resentment is a mirror that is reflecting where you are out of alignment. Resentment arises when you’re waiting for someone else to change. When the change you truly crave is internal. So let me share some deeper truths about resentment as a gift. Resentment is a clue to your own unmet needs. So when resentment flares, you can ask, which of my needs is longing to be heard?

00:06:17:19 – 00:06:46:14

Nancy Levin

Maybe it’s safety, or rest, or compassion, or creativity or freedom. It’s a signpost to your forgotten power. Resentment is letting you know you’ve been playing small. You’ve been shrinking your voice so others don’t feel uncomfortable. And resentment is an entry point into deeper self-awareness. When resentment is not shamed, but listened to, it becomes one of your most potent teachers.

00:06:46:16 – 00:07:15:18

Nancy Levin

So, practically speaking, let’s talk about how to listen to resentment. The first thing is naming it. When resentment rises, pause and say, I am feeling resentment. Notice where you feel it in your body. Where does it live? In your chest, your jaw, your gut. Next, you want to ask it some questions. Have a dialogue with your resentment. What have I been avoiding?

00:07:15:20 – 00:07:46:23

Nancy Levin

Which boundary have I betrayed? What need have I ignored? What is the smallest form of self honoring I can do right now? And then the third piece is the invitation to act with compassion, not to punish or shame, but to respond. It might be with rest. It might be with a brave conversation. It might be with a simple ritual of self connection and self-care.

00:07:46:25 – 00:08:26:01

Nancy Levin

So let’s pause here again. If resentment is rising, you know it. You sense it. Name it. Ask it. What do you need? Again, resentment rises when a boundary needs to be put into place. What boundary is your resentment pointing you to? One of the people I’ve coached, Jared, would get prickly with resentment toward his spouse, but the resentment was always about all the little compromises he made over time.

00:08:26:03 – 00:09:06:04

Nancy Levin

Extra tasks, unspoken expectations. Not saying no. When he began practicing these listening techniques, he voiced small needs: rest, acknowledgment, and just that alone began to shift the energy in the relationship dramatically. Now let’s move from our insights into practice. How do you begin to live differently? To move through resentment and reclaim your sense of self? So first practice is micro no’s and soft declines.

00:09:06:07 – 00:09:37:18

Nancy Levin

You don’t need grand gestures right away. You get to begin with small micro no’s to the things that you don’t want to do, or the train you and you get to practice by simply saying I’m not available. I’ll pass. The next practice is to keep a resentment journal when irritation or bitterness surfaces. Instead of stewing and going down the rabbit hole, begin a conversation with your resentment.

00:09:37:20 – 00:10:15:09

Nancy Levin

What is rising here? What are you here to teach me? What boundary is being tested? What unmet need is underneath this resentment? The third practice is a ritual of reintegration. To sit quietly, to breathe in, breathe out and offer yourself what you neglected. Give yourself the rest you need. Give yourself the kind word. Give yourself forgiveness. A simple I see you.

00:10:15:11 – 00:10:50:22

Nancy Levin

I honor you. I am with you. Said to yourself, can go a very long way. And the fourth practice is to engage in compassionate conversations. Whenever you’re ready to speak your truth with clarity to someone safe. Not as an accusation, but as an invitation. Using I statements. Keeping it on you. I feel I need. I would like allow for silence.

00:10:50:24 – 00:11:27:12

Nancy Levin

Allow the other person to receive you. But remember, your boundaries are between you and you. You don’t need anyone else’s. By in. You don’t need anyone else to do anything different. So of course you can make requests and invite people in with you. But first and foremost, your commitment is choosing you to taking care of yourself. So choose one of these that you can begin practicing.

00:11:27:15 – 00:12:05:20

Nancy Levin

The micro knows small boundary experiments, journaling, conversation, integration, reflection, recalibration. Here’s the thing. You might feel some guilt. You might have a fear of disappointing others. You might hear a voice telling you you’re being selfish, and that voice is part of the old guard. That voice is rooted in people pleasing and abandoning yourself. So when it shows up, you can listen to it.

00:12:05:22 – 00:12:38:24

Nancy Levin

But you don’t have to obey it. You don’t have to let it drive your decisions. You don’t have to let it seep in. So you are operating unconsciously. Instead, you get to consciously hold your own boundaries. I had a client, Sophie, and she came to a session one day and said, I set a boundary with a friend and she got upset and immediately she felt terrible.

00:12:38:27 – 00:13:18:16

Nancy Levin

But she realized she had buried that resentment for years. And this boundary was like uncovering a bruise that needed attention. And yeah, the friendship shifted. But in a way that allowed Sophie to show up more authentically and more honestly, because that’s what boundaries do. The alternative to clarifying and setting and holding your boundaries is quiet resentment. And that is far costlier than any kind of change that will happen when you are willing to show up, to choose you and honor you.

00:13:18:18 – 00:13:51:13

Nancy Levin

So we’ve explored what resentment is, how it begins with you, how to listen to it, how to practice change. And now we’re going to bring this home. So imagine that you are sitting with your younger self who first learned to suppress, to accommodate, to bury. Just take a moment to imagine what you would say to this young version of you.

00:13:51:16 – 00:14:04:23

Nancy Levin

And what would you offer this young version of you? As restoration and repair.

00:14:04:25 – 00:14:35:08

Nancy Levin

So as we’re coming to a close here, I invite you to identify the first small act of self honoring you will commit to now. It might be a no, it might be a pause. It might be a courageous, compassionate conversation. It might be a ritual. Because resentment isn’t something to fix. It’s something to listen to. It’s a sacred signal guiding you back to yourself.

00:14:35:11 – 00:15:11:04

Nancy Levin

So instead of feeling shame, get curious. Instead of blaming outward, turn inward with compassion. The freedom you’re seeking is not out there. It’s waiting within you. Remember, you are not here to keep abandoning yourself for approval or for peace. You are here to live in alignment with your truth. That’s where real freedom and real connection begin. Thanks so much for joining me, and I look forward to being back here with you again next week with you.